QUOTES FROM MY LIFE

MY LIFE

Starring:
Tommy
Dad
Mom
Sister Ashley
Best friend Matt, brothers Andrew and Brian
Grandmother

**ALL THESE QUOTES ARE 100% REAL!!! EVERYTHING WRITTEN HERE WAS REALLY SAID IN MY DAILY EXCHANGES WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS**

* Ashley's in the bathroom.
Tommy: Ash, what are u doing in there? Are u giving birth to a brown baby boy?
Ashley: Shut up!
Tommy: But seriously, if u ever give birth to a brown baby boy im gonna stick it in the blender and beat you to death with a fucking baseball bat.

* Dad: Take out the trash and then empty the cat box.
Tommy: Jesus Christ...i'm only one person.
Dad: Yeah, and u do the work of half a person.

* Tommy: It was fun having a garden this year. We're gonna have another one next year. I mean, it was a little work for me...but...
Dad: It was NO WORK for you....
Tommy: Ah..
Dad: AT ALL!
PAUSE
Tommy: Oh yeah...

* Tommy: What are u doing in there?
Ashley: I'm talking on the phone.
Tommy: Your talking to your clit?!?!
Ashley: THE PHONE!!
Tommy: WHAT?.....YOUR CLIT?!?!?
Ashley: THE PHONE!!!!!!
Tommy: Wow....Ashley's clit can talk!

* Watching Family Guy. Cleveland discusses cottage cheese.
Tommy: Hahaha...niggers love their cottage cheese.
Ashley (from the other room): Shut up Tommy....you eat cottage cheese!
Tommy: ASH..................goddamn it.....u ruined my racist moment!

* Tommy: Ash, what are hot pants?
Ashley: Pants that are not on you!

* Brian and Andrew playing a video game. Tommy is watching.
Brian: Move closer to the hole and shoot.
Andrew and Tommy (exact same time): THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!
Tommy: Wow...matching "thats what she saids"! Fucking Amazing!

* Mom: Your son won $100 on a scratch ticket...and he hoarded it all to himself.
Tommy: That's not true. I split it with you 50/50. I kept 90 and gave you 10.
Dad: That's not 50/50.
Tommy: It's close.

* Ash: My ass is asleep.
Tommy: I bet you want a black guy's dick to wake it up, right?

* Ashley: I'm sleeping with Nash, and Myles wants you to sleep with him tonight. (my 2 and 4 year old cousins)
Tommy: Tell him I will but only if he wears a condom.

* Ashley: Nash is so cute...I had a boo boo on my knee and he kissed it.
Tommy: Awww...Say you have a boo boo on your clit and ask him to kiss it!

Tommy: Ashley's home from the party....ok...smell her breath!!....then smell her cunt.
Ashley: You're a sicko!

* Dad: Go get me my drill.
Tommy: Legally I don't have to listen to you anymore.
Dad: Legally, I can throw your ass out of the fucking house and forget you exist.
Tommy: Touche....

* Dad: You and little Myles get along so well.
Tommy: Yeah!
Dad: It's probably cuz you're so close in age.
Tommy: Yeah, that's right.

* My bday cake is put on the table, with two candles 2 and 0 on it.
Tommy: YAY!!!! I WANNA GO TO CHUCK E CHEESE!!!
Dad: I think it would make more sense to take that 0 off the cake.
Ashley: Good idea.

* Ashley: Where was I when you went to New York?
Dad: You were in your mother's tummy.
Tommy: HOLY SHIT, SHE ATE ASHLEY?!?!